Let me distract you for a moment and give you something
important to think about...
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I
had tunnel vision and expected my life to go a certain way. After my
divorce, I studied my failures until I lost sight of my successes. I
surrendered my dreams to feel a sense of comfort. I held tight to my
fears and shielded myself from love and happiness by refusing to put myself out
there. And as I did all of this, I sat back and wondered why life was so
miserable.
Obviously, I was very lost. My own toxic beliefs and
ensuing behaviors had gotten the best of me. But after some extensive
soul-searching, a friend, lots of reading, and diligent practice, I learned to do
things differently, and I found myself again. I tell you this because I
know you struggle with similar inner demons – we all do. Sometimes the
ideas and habits we get comfortable with end up killing us inside.
I now realize that many of the toxic beliefs I struggled with
earlier in life are actually quite common. I have seen the same
toxic beliefs surface in the lives of my friends over and over again.
Here are four of the most common ones you need to be aware of:
1. The past is indicative of the present. – When things
aren’t going well there is a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future
holds more of the same. For some strange reason, this doesn’t happen as
much when things are going well. Remaining
in the moment is much easier when we’re experiencing joy. A laugh, a
smile and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it. But when
we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by
assuming tomorrow will be just like today. This is a cyclic,
self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was
said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same
dirty lens, and nothing will be able to breach your foggy judgment. You
will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have
existed in the first place.
2. It’s too late to make changes. – Life is not a straight line. There isn’t one right path for
you or anyone else. And there isn’t a set timeline of milestones.
But sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in
general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside. If we don’t
have the “right” job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age
or timeframe, we assume we’re somehow broken and beyond repair. And
that’s not true at all. You’re allowed to backtrack. You’re allowed
to figure out what inspires you at different stages of your life. You’re
allowed extra time when you need it. Life is meant to be a series of zigs
and zags. It should look like a mess, but a beautiful mess. It
shows that you have changed and grown. You’ve had your ups and
downs. You went down one path, but decided to change course… perhaps on
many occasions. That’s how life should be. Life is a continuous
experience of independent present moments and choices. So whatever
situation you are in right now, just know that it can change if you want it to.
It’s up to you. You just have to choose something new.
3. What everyone does to you is personal. – People are
toxic to themselves and others when they believe that everything happening in
the world is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them.
The truth is that what other people say
and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions
to you are about their perspectives, wounds and life experiences. Whether
people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re average, again, is often more about
them. I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all
feedback. I’m saying that a great deal of hurt, disappointment and
sadness in our lives comes from our taking everything personally. In most
cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or
bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your
guide.
4. Being vulnerable is dangerous. – We are all afraid to
say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to
us. But this isn’t healthy. Love is vulnerability. Happiness
is vulnerability. The risk of
being vulnerable is the price of opening yourself up to beauty and opportunity.
Being vulnerable is not about showing the parts of you that are polished; it’s
about revealing the unpolished parts you would rather keep hidden from the
world. It’s about looking out into the world with an honest, open heart
and saying, “This is me! Take me or leave me!” Of course, it’s hard
to consciously choose vulnerability. Why? Because the stakes are
high. But the truth is, nothing
worthwhile in this world is a safe bet. Since love and happiness are
born out of our willingness to be vulnerable – to be open to something
wonderful that could be taken away from us – when you hide from your
vulnerability, you automatically hide from everything you ever wanted in life.
And of course, if you're struggling with any of this, know that you
are not alone. Many of us are right there with you, working hard to
feel better, think more clearly, and get our lives back on track.
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