March 16, 2013

TED video "The secret to desire in a long-term relationship."

Look at Esther Perel's short TED video "The secret to desire in a long-term relationship." See it at

One thing I took away from this TED talk is the value of becoming deeply aware that love does not guarantee desire, and vice-versa. A single relationship can have neither love nor desire, one or the other, or both. For example, deeply knowing someone is conducive of love, but superficially knowing someone only enough to be intrigued by them is conducive of desire. I think it is possible to know someone deeply and also remain enchanted by their mystery — but this is an ongoing conscious choice and exploration, and not a mere consequence of having a relationship.

I also like the concept that desire and need are two different things. Desire is attractive, while neediness is repellent. If you are like me, I desire people in my life who desire me, but not people who need me. I'm not anyone's missing piece.

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